AWKWARD office chit chat was front and centre of the Dáil as its returned from its summer recess, prompting TDs from all parties to exchange excruciatingly dull tales of their brief time off during which absolutely nothing of political importance occurred.
“Fierce quiet now so it was, yeah yeah” remarked Taoiseach Martin, inhaling a sigh as he spoke to Sinn Féin leader Mary Lou McDonald. “Come to think of it, I’m struggling to remember a solitary thing that happened or stood out”.
Remarking on how remarkably unremarkable the last few weeks have been Martin wondered had he misplaced some big new out of reach of his memory.
“No, nope, ’twas quiet as a function room in a hotel during a pandemic, and yourself?” Martin added.
“Dáil recess can be so boring and unnecessarily long that you’d almost wish there was some ongoing monumental crisis that encompasses every facet of life as we know it to force us to not take the holidays but this year there was nothing, nada, zip,” offered McDonald, in a very genuine and sincere tone that bore no trace of sarcasm.
With conversation immediately drying up, Martin called out to his Minister for Agriculture to rope into the conversation thus breaking up the tension before remembering he didn’t have one anymore, again.
“Coveney? Go away at all did ya? We were just saying – fierce quiet the last few weeks,” Martin offered to a nearby Simon Coveney who said that while he hadn’t holidayed in Ireland he hoped to go on one big decades long one in Brussels very soon.
Elsewhere, some TDs whispered conspiratorially about knocking off work after a few hours for a few sneaky pints before realising “oh feck yeah the pubs! Someone who’s in charge of that stuff should probably look into reopening them!”