FOLLOWING the release of the CAO points today, the Dept. of Education is to set off on a well-earned journey of self-discovery to “ya know, just really figure out who I am” after a particularly trying and demanding year of flawlessly overseeing Irish education.
“Like OMG – goodbye stress, we’ve earned it. Maybe a yoga retreat in India, or maybe Bali, pandemic be damned” the Dept. of Education said, over-pronouncing the far flung locations in an annoyingly English register of ‘Ind-yah’ and ‘B’aah-lee’.
After an unforeseen knock on effect of calculated grading for the Leaving Cert results left CAO course points overnight in a bowl of self-raising flour, CAO course requirements are now higher than Snoop Dogg on a weed pilgrimage to Jamaica, something which could spell heartache for some students.
“Okay yes, students from the School of Hard Knocks will see points from the University of Life skyrocket but I’m really just trying to switch off during this gap year, do a social media detox, and hey what better lesson for kids to learn about life then by spectacularly fucking them over now,” added the Department already boarding the first plane out of this dump.
It’s not just students from disadvantaged backgrounds who could be affected by the CAO increase, as the requirements for a degree in ‘Do You Know Who My Father Is?!’ set to rise too for well-to-do students.
“Look everybody needs to chill, we’ll publish a comprehensive list of where you can all emigrate to next week. See you in a year,” concldued the Department, reviving the last recession’s Emi-GREAT! education scheme.
Elsewhere, even though it is set to be a stressful and upsetting day for some Leaving Cert students they reiterated “no one wants to hear your fucking ‘I didn’t get the course I wanted but look at me now’ stories, on today of all days, thanks very much”.