YOU’VE heard of the Dirty Dozen, well meet the Clean 19, a crack squad of zero-craic agents specialising in covid-19 rules around drinking and social distancing, without any fear of them joining the fun themselves.
“For this job we couldn’t risk sending people in who could be talked around into ‘having one yourself, Guard’. We needed teetotallers, pioneers, the driest of dry shites that An Garda Síochána has to offer,” said Garda Commissioner Drew Harris as he unveiled the drab nineteen members of the Sober Squad.
The team were unveiled ahead of reports of dozens of ‘peasant pubs’ breaking ‘substantial meal’ rules, something Harris is adamant ‘these pack of virgins can fix’.
“Check out Stone Cold Sober Sgt. Steve McManus there – that’s a guy that could walk into a house full of half-naked young ones offering him a bag of cans and a diddywank and in ten minutes he’d have them home in their beds getting a night’s sleep for mass in the morning” Harris explained, telling the sombre looking McManus to do a little twirl for the press.
“Garda Sheila NiMhuilinn once chased a lad for nine miles after she smelled weed off him and later caught him with a five spot,” Harris added, now making each souless squad member stand forward and twirl, “Derek Craughall here has no compunction whatsoever about whether or not a publican has rent to pay or a family to feed – if someone in that place isn’t eating a carvery dinner, it’s getting shut the fuck down”.
“You can offer these officers pints, shots, cash, sexual favours, even Jaffa Cakes and they will not bend from the law. And once they shut down every house party in the country, that’s when COVID-19 will finally be beaten,” Harris concluded, now sadly applauding the unimpressed teetotallers.
It is not believed the team will monitor meat plants or glitzy political golf events.