NEW and prospective home owners, renters, and the homeless have all breathed a sigh of relief after the recently installed three-party coalition government unveiled impressive plans for housing which at first and twelfth glance amounted to throwing cash at landlords.
“If it’s a seemingly well intentioned idea that ultimately just serves to line the pockets of landlords, pension funds and developers then say no more – it’ll get the green light from us,” confirmed Minister for Housing Darragh O’Brien, working at the housing coalface shoveling State money into bags with ‘landlords’ emblazoned on them.
The sudden and jarring swell of countless properties being made available in the wake of the Covid-19 pandemic seemingly proved many housing experts suspicions correct; hundreds of landlords had failed to apply for planning permission as part of recent Airbnb laws, and possibly failed to pay tax on their income, something which could now see them punished in the form of their properties being bought for an over inflated price by the government.
“What your describing sounds like fraud and tax evasion, which can’t be right because I’m middle class and I’m doing it, surely you should be focusing on the real criminals; people claiming social welfare they’re legitimately entitled too,” shared one affronted landlord.
Despite the revelations, the Dept of Housing is primed to explore solving the housing crisis by enriching the rich.
“You’ve probably seen them Airbnb style ones online – they’re those really fancy looking ‘studio’ apartments. Get a load of us Irish, huh? ‘Studio apartments’. How modern, how very New York,” added Minister O’Brien, incorrectly describing what casual onlookers would call ‘glorified prison cells with shitter Wifi’.
While the full plans are yet to take concrete shape, landlords and developers have welcomed the apparent eagerness the new government has to solve the longstanding crisis.
“It’s great to hear – we’ve already added another zero onto the price of everything,” confirmed one owner of multiple Airbnb accommodations which it turns out are just ‘bespoke’, ‘spacious’ and ‘luxurious’ converted bins.