Gordan Ramsey here. I’ve seen some horriific meals in my time. I’ve traveled all around the world. Tasted the some of the best and worst food on the planet. Eaten in the worst shitholes, but never – I mean ever – witnessed the calibre of cooking I’ve just witnessed that’s provided in Irish asylum centres this week on my brief tour. You Paddy pricks sure know how to welcome people with your thousand welcomes, but when it comes to not welcoming people, you turn it into a fucking artform. Amazing. Wow. Lets get cracking, shall we?
1) Shannon Lodge Direct Provision Centre in County Offaly
First of all, I’m not racist. I love all humans, especially lightly seasoned with some chutney on the side. So when I see muck like this served by Shannon Lodge Direct Provision Centre, I cry a little inside. I wouldn’t feed this to my dog’s intestinal worms. Shame. Hopefully whoever concocted this nightmare has already been arrested, brought to justice in the Hague. Is that a banana or a lemon drizzle cake? Fuck me, it’s like almost like the person cooking this doesn’t care about the person they’re feeding. Criminal. Wow!
2) Travel Lodge Hotel, Phoenix Park
Oh my God. It’s like someone dipped a ladle the toilet bowl of the Guinness Storehouse men’s room and served it up with some of the vegetable trappings from a kitchen porter’s sink. Horrifying. Rice? More like maggots. Wow! Six years of this and you might as well have surrendered to ISIS. Being tortured and raped would have been a lot less degrading. Fuck me, Ireland, I’d treat the shit on my arse better than this. Amazing.
3) St. Patrick’s Direct Provision Centre in County Monaghan
Paper plates, microwaved beans, whatever the fuck that is; someone here has a lot of explaining to do. Is it Direct Provision, or direct poisoning? Wow, you’re fucking animals. St. Patrick must be turning in his grave being named after this place. You sick cunts probably killed that migrant off too. No wonder you people drink yourself to sleep. Wow!
4) Traceys Hotel Direct Provision Centre in county Monaghan
You’re fucking joking, right? How much are these centres making every year again? One million, two? Wow! That’s a bit Irish, isn’t it? And to think you people were in the same boat last century. Jesus Harold fucking Christ, even English landlords treated you better than this. Stick me into a container on a slow boat to China any day over this. Well, done, Ireland, you’ve brought a whole new meaning to the term savages. Now, click the fuck off my review and get out of my sight.