“WHAT if, now go with me on this one” suggested think tank consultant working for the government earlier this week, as the Department Of Housing raced to get ahead of a wave of negative press surrounding the hoovering-up of houses by massive investment funds, locking renters out of the housing market for a generation.
“Ok, what if instead of letting these huge cuckoo funds buy up all the houses, what if we let, y’know, people buy some of the houses. People like you and me. Well, you know, not like you and me, but you get what I’m saying. Poorer people”.
The suggestion caused a ripple of ‘can we do that?’ murmurs through the group, before one timid hand was raised with a question.
“Are we sure people can afford to buy these houses? It’s a bit risky even asking developers to build houses that might go unsold because people can’t borrow the way they used to because we were forced to put all these blooming regulations in place”, one expert posed.
“Surely we’re safer just letting these global funds buy everything up? It’s a guaranteed sale, guaranteed money, guaranteed good times for us all… what you’re suggesting sounds a little more like something Sinn Féin would come up with? Kinda not where our heads are at right now”.
The complex issue of houses being too expensive for people to buy but at the same time being perfectly affordable to rent at two or three times the price of a mortgage repayment continued to trouble the government for at least another half an hour, before they rolled out a 24-page document outlining the changes that would help wrestle control of the market away from vulture funds, which for some reason caused profit projections at vulture funds to skyrocket.
“Nailed it again,” beamed the government.
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