THE UN’s annual Human Development Index has listed the Republic Of Ireland as having the second-highest quality of living of anywhere in the world, in a report that apparently isn’t some sort of prank.
Ireland, verified as being this Ireland, the one we’re in right now, was said to have a level of health, income and education second only to Norway, in a study that has sent several Irish statisticians scrambling for whatever list of criteria the UN was using during their study.
“Gotta be some sort of clause here, some sort of ‘Second best country in the world that speaks English and also contains a river called the Shannon’ thing” said one baffled government advisor, who now has to explain why young people can’t wait to get the fuck out of this supposed Elysium.
Meanwhile the government themselves have met to discuss what to do with this new information, with a fine line now ahead of them to be walked in terms of celebrating the news and not stoking suspicion as to where all this supposed greatness is.
“We can’t say everything is as rosy as this thing makes it sound, or people will start expecting us to deliver it… but we can’t come out and say it’s lies and that we’re doing a shit job either” mused a stumped Taoiseach today, wondering if perhaps they could announce the news with a disclaimer that was so heavily written in legalese that nobody would ever read it, ‘like an Apple terms and conditions thing when you get a new phone’.
So far, the news has been met with great sadness among the overwhelmingly empathetic Irish population, who find themselves expressing sorrow for every other nation in the world, and the fucking state they must be in if Ireland is this far up the chart.