IN our main story today, a horde of unruly pups were videoed in Galway last night, potentially causing a Covid-19 cluster across the county, dooming us to lockdowns, deaths and financial ruin.
Up to fucking hundreds of youths, credits to their parents, took to the streets for a night of drinking and breathing on each other, without a care in the world for the public, frontline workers, their grandparents, stressed out politicians, or even their poor landlords.
“If we run out of testing kits in the coming weeks, this and this alone will be why,” sobbed Minister for Health Stephen Donnelly, who had been confident he had this Covid thing whipped until he saw the video this morning.
“And after all we did for these kids, opening the colleges so they could all move to Galway and find accommodation, and then switch to online learning once they’d been relieved of their security deposits, and this is how they repay us,” steamed Minister for Education Norma Foley.
“You know what, I’ll bet some of these kids have contacts with workers in meat processing plants,” added Taoiseach Micheal Martin, grimly. “That’s those fucked now, so it is. And they were doing so well, those plants were our one success story”.
In other much less significant news, mortgage lenders are no longer required to provide payment breaks to people financially impacted by the Covid-19 pandemic, the ancestral home of one of the 1916 Rising leaders just got bulldozed into the ground by a property developer and we don’t even have time to tell you about Michael D’Arcy and all he’s been up to.