THE increase of whiny little bitches in Ireland is currently rising to unsustainable levels, according to a damning new report from the National Cry Babies Emergency Team leaked online today.
Figures show that the amount of Irish people tattling, sulking, whinging and needing their arses wiped has risen month-on-month since the beginning of the pandemic, with curtain-twitching currently reaching ‘local Catholic man marrying a Protestant woman’ levels.
“One of the unforeseen aspects of the pandemic is the sheer amount of dickheaded behaviour that has emerged in Ireland” stressed a member of NCBET at a press conference today.
“We’re urging everyone to move to a Level 5 of copping on, in a bid to regain some sort of soundness for the Christmas period. We know this has been a challenging time for everyone, and we know that the Irish people have the capacity to get to a level of cuntishness that appears jovial and friendly, without descending into this dummy-out-of-the-pram shite we’re seeing today”.
Included in the plan are guidelines such as:
– The cessation of passive-aggressive phrases such as ‘no mask today?’
– Catty social media posts about shops that seem to have a lot of people in them are to be limited to one per day
– Sharing videos of more than five people standing together in the freezing cold with the caption ‘no lockdown here’ is to be phased out
– Energy spent whining about health guidelines should be diverted into whining about the price of car insurance/ some co-worker you believe ‘has it in for you’