AMID the suddenly suspicious lifting of outdoor events and live music restrictions culminating from the recent Merrion-gate incident which saw politicians and friends of Katherine Zappone attend a guideline-breaching event, the nation has quickly called on the former Minister for Children to organise other not-quite-legal gatherings while she’s at it.
“How about Katherine and her friends organise an outdoor cannabis smoking event?” one commentator suggested, high on the thoughts of a government suddenly being able to turn on a dime when it has to protect itself from an embarrassing faux pas. “Fuck it, have them organise an affordable housing exhibition across the whole island too if it leads to it becoming government policy – the world is our oyster now”.
The calls come after Fáilte Ireland conveniently changed its guidelines for organised outdoor events to suit the government’s blatant disregard for the previous guidelines and to curb any outrage over their ‘one rule for them’ policies.
“Okay, hands up, we’re just making this shit up as we go along, but look here, plebs, who better to test if outdoor events with more than 50 people is dangerous than your own TDs and Ministers?” a spokesperson for Fine Gael said, explaining their reasoning, kind of, “this is why you people pay us to take two months holidays fully paid with expenses; to risk our own lives for the benefit of the people. Now go off there now with the new guidelines we just pulled from our holes to cover ourselves, good plebs,” before adding, “You’re so welcome”.
The new guidelines include:
- Live music and performances are permitted in outdoor hospitality settings, or basically whatever live music guidelines we broke at that function two weeks ago before we made it legal.
- Multiple tables can be booked in an outdoor area, more or less the same set up we had two weeks ago when we were all congratulating ourselves for being such good public representatives
- Premises must be clear of all customers by 11.30pm, or whatever time we pretended that Zappone’s bash was over at.
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