A NPHET spokesperson has today advised publicans that if they adhere to some specific new rules that were scientifically proven to ward of covid-19, that they will be allowed to open within the next few weeks, WWN has learned.
Speaking with their mouths today, officials from the National Public Health Emergency Team laid out the strict but cost effective new protocols, stating that if publicans put their right leg in, their right leg out, their right leg in and then shake it all about before the pouring of every single pint – only then can their premises open to the general public.
“Alternatively, left legged publicans can also put their left leg in and then their left leg out, before shaking it all about, this should be enough to ward off any potential virus, much the same way a substantial meal would do – it’s science,” a NPHET press official explained, while demonstrating the latest set of hoops proprietors must jump through.
Wet pubs, which have been closed since March, are currently the most susceptible business to the covid-19 lockdown after ongoing government led restrictions forced them to stay closed, despite every other customer based business in the country opening.
“I suppose it’s not like pubs are part of Irish culture, or indeed, one of the main tourist attractions here, like meat factories are,” admitted local publican Darren Power, owner of popular tourist spot, Wacky Nellies, which was established in 1769, before quizzing the latest set of rules, “I’m just confused as to whether or not I can put my right arm in, instead of my right leg, as I’ve an awful bad back”.
Replying to Mr. Power’s question, a NPHET statement read, ‘Publicans who can’t put their right or left foot in, can of course put their right or left arm out, but must then put their right arm back in again before shaking it all about, before doing the hokey cokey and turning themselves around.
“Woah, the hokey cokey. Woah, the hokey cokey. Woah, the hokey cokey. That’s what it’s all about,” the statement concluded.