AS NEWS spreads that Ireland’s over-70s population will thankfully be next in line to receive Covid-19 vaccinations starting in February there was a disturbing trend emerging in online shopping.
“Our busiest time of the year is Halloween naturally, but yeah we’ve sold over 1,000 grey wigs, walking sticks, off colour knitted jumpers and incontinence pants in the last 12 hours,” explained Mick Rollins, owner of Mick’s Fancy Dress company.
Enterprising and impatient people desperate to get their pre-pandemic lives back are busying laying the foundations for a convincing portrayal as someone over 70 in an attempt to make it to the top of the vaccine queue.
“I’ve gone method, the full Daniel Day Lewis,” explained 22-year-old David Lyons, his back arched over in a hunch, his voice aged and full of wisdom. “I’ve been like this for so long I don’t think I know how to be young anymore.”
“I can drag 30 minute conversations out of the weather no problem, I smell like a perfume factory from the 1970s too,” shared Carol Higgins, a 35-year-old who can’t wait any longer to get her vaccine.
Some of the more committed among those posing as over 70s have also upped their casual racism and begun emitting loud but completely unacknowledged flatulence in public.
“I’ve watched every Reeling In The Years episode five times, if they quiz me in their when I’m trying to get my jab they won’t catch me out,” added Higgins.
Government officials have already issued a warning to those posing as older people.
“Don’t think we won’t find you, after all this is the government that introduced an honesty system for people flying into Ireland since March, we run a tight ship” one spokesperson threatened.