Student Accommodation Crisis: “Just Live In Your Old Pair’s Dublin Apartment Rent Free Like I Did”

ON HAND to offer his expertise, free of charge to students deferring their start in college due to a lack of affordable accommodation is recently graduated former student and current benefactor of his parents’ hard work and wealth, Jonathan Dowdy Hall.

Moved by the difficulty being endured by students, Dowdy Hall shares his indispensable knowledge on securing affordable accommodation at a time when you should be free to just concentrate on your education:

“Protests? Like, actual fucking protests over accommodation? This is beyond cringe guys. The solution couldn’t more simple and right in front of your eyes.

Shouting until your horse and holding up the placards that would finish last place in an arts and crafts competition for blind squirrels isn’t the answer. Here’s a catchy slogan for you ‘no way, we don’t have to pay because the old pair has a city centre apartment’.

Considering you’re all so woke you’d think you lot would cop on and actually wake up; just give the old pair a ring.

Seriously, what are the chances that the majority of you are actually peasants who mistakenly thought you would be allowed attend third level in Ireland for ‘free’ and not a normal average person like me? And anyway how much is ‘a rent’ these days? €50 per quarter? Really, that’s what you presumably birthed-by-rich-parents students are protesting about?

What is that anyway two avocados? You can’t be crying over spent rent if you’re out doing extravagant things like buying food as well.

Yeah, okay you’re parents apartment might not be the height of luxury but if you’re doing a 4 year degree it’ll probably be worth close to a mill by the end of your degree the way prices are going, so the potential to be slagged by the children of a property developer or an Emirati Crown Prince are slim enough.

What parents don’t have a little nest egg of an apartment lying idle? Literally all my friends’ parents did, which extrapolated out for the rest of the student population is basically everyone! It’s parenting 101, spunk the spare spondoolas on an apartment 20 years ago so that your kids have somewhere to stay rent free, like Eddie Hobbs told them to do with the old SSIA.

You’re only embarrassing yourselves giving the ‘oh it’s so hard’ quotes to the media, sounds like you’ll barely scrap a 2.1 armed with the brain power of broken hoover. Are you seriously advocating for affordable rents? You’re talking about your inheritance here, which we all have, clearly.

Strapping a bomb to your windfall like some sort of tenants rights Taliban? You’re clearly an Arts student with that demented logic!”

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