IN THE first of many attempts to pervert the course of justice on the day of his arraignment, Donald Trump has instructed his lawyers to demand the former US president be tried by a real judge like Judge Judy.
“She’s the best, she’s tough but fair. The radical left won’t like it, but I’ve always felt she judges Judily, she judges fairly, everyone says it,” offered Trump.
“Maybe she will treat me right because we are both TV stars, but maybe she won’t which is okay because my supporters only need to take one look at her surname, Sheindlin, very suspect, very ‘Soros’ don’t you think? And before you criticise, it’s not antisemitic if you don’t say the quiet part loud,” Trump added.
Attempting to circumvent the sort of processes and justice an ordinary citizen would be subject to had they allegedly committed the crimes he is accused of, Trump is seeking a number of additional concessions, including:
– That the DA reconsider the whole ‘must answer for crimes’ thing.
– Be allowed to address the court in ALL CAPS.
– Permission to replace his defense counsel with an in-court Fox News studio.
– That the 40,000 thousands cameras and reporters outside the court interviewing the handful of Trump supporters who were bothered to show up continue to do so.
– A moment of someone’s time so they could explain what ‘indictment’, ‘arraignment’ and ‘guilty’ mean.
– A guarantee that no one will be allowed bring up in court the fact Stormy Daniels said he has a tiny dick.
– Allowed to finish every answer with the live location of District Attorney Alvin Bragg’s wife and children, just in case any lunatics out there were interested.