SEEKING to project an image of total seriousness in regards to their claims, the Fine Gael party announced an emergency press conference outside a Woodie’s DIY to refute once more claims made in the media relating to Tánaiste Leo Varadkar’s leaking of confidential documents.
“As is now custom when trying to share with the public evidence of how unfairly treated one is, we have gathered you here at this most noble setting imaginable for a well functioning democracy – a garden supply centre,” confirmed Taoiseach Micheál Martin, now an honourary Fine Gael member due to his recent diligent defence of the indefensible.
Why the Woodie’s (located between a sex shop Dildo Baggins and a crematorium Ash Wednesdays) was chosen as a location for another meek defence of Varadkar’s leaking of confidential documents, before he faces his motion of no confidence vote, is unclear.
Waving his arms and frothing at the mouth, a solicitor acting on behalf of Fine Gael spoke at the conference and claimed to have endless examples of how this sort of stuff is actually ‘fine’ but provided no evidence proving his claims that sharing confidential documents is ‘no biggy’.
“Who has called it ‘an offence that should result in him stepping down’? Oh, everyone? Oh everyone! Oh, no, what will we do?” the solicitor said in a mocking and exaggerated tone to assembled reporters, who began to leave as they realised they would learn absolutley nothing new here.
The press conference came to an abrupt end after a Woodie’s manager emerged to disperse the Fine Gael gathering, shouting: “Here, youse lot, you either buy a fucking plant or a shovel or piss the hell off out of our car park”.