IN RESPONSE to the possibility that towns experiencing clusters of Covid-19 cases could face a ‘localised lockdown’, Waterford has volunteered Kilkenny as an immediate ‘test case’ for such restrictions.
Although authorities pointed out to Waterford natives that the county of Kilkenny was not one of the towns currently seeing a cluster emerge, that didn’t stop the Deise from outlining how such a lockdown would work.
“You cut off the N25 into Kilkenny, the Ferrybank roads too. Then, if it’s alright with you it’s alright with us: you round up everyone one in Kilkenny and put them in, we’ll call it a ‘holiday camp’ and confiscate all hurleys obviously,” shared one enthusiastic Waterford resident Martin Power, who also said if any buildings need burning down he’d be more than happy to help.
“On second thoughts, burning that kip down might actually improve the place so let’s not rush into anything, just seal the place off, shoot anyone on sight to be safe, just sensible health and safety precautions,” added Power.
Waterford residents stressed how important public safety is and that eradicating Covid-19 from Ireland should be everyone’s priority which is why calling in US fighter jets to bomb Kilkenny can’t be dismissed by the government as ‘a bit drastic’.
Carrying out preemptive action, Waterford residents sneaked over the border into neighbouring Kilkenny last night and built a mock meat processing factory doused in Covid-19 in a bid to justify a lockdown.
“You know ‘false flag’ shit like WMDs in Iraq – that sort of stuff. We’ll be pulling a bearded Brian Cody from an underground bunker in no time,” concluded Power.