21-YEAR-OLD waitress Laura Searson has expressed her immense excitement at the prospect of serving fully vaccinated people when there is a muddled return to indoor dining on the 19th of July.
“Great, can’t wait” shared Searson with the sort of plummeting levels of enthusiasm normally displayed by a prisoner awaiting execution on death row.
“When I get fucked, I usually like to be bought dinner first, but hey, I’m not even allowed in to eat the meal indoors,” added Searson, one of many young people not yet vaccinated that will now wait on older customers hand and foot.
Citing the insurgent Delta variant, the government confirmed they intend to plan out a plan now that they realise they need a plan for a variant they were first alerted to in April.
“Now don’t get your hopes up, we won’t be pushing restaurants and pubs to be fitted with ventilation systems and solutions for a disease that’s airborne or any of that sensible crap. Also, this is your daily reminder our health system is held together by sellotape,” confirmed a government spokesperson.
Restaurants and pubs are now being encouraged to install claw machines which will pluck up young staff when it is their lunch break and move them immediately outdoors on the off chance they attempt to eat food on the premises they’ve been working shifts in all week.
Elsewhere, the HSE reported an overnight increase in the number of people being treated in hospitals after suffering catastrophic brain injuries from trying to understand the government’s current plans.
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