WITH THE Monk attracting a media frenzy after being found not guilty of the murder of David Byrne, Whispers World investigates Hutch’s inner circle and the mysterious protector we can only speculate is his head of security who we’re now coining as The Eliminator in a bid to further increase sales of our Sunday edition.
Basing all our intel on third party information and blatant hearsay from sources who may or may not be telling the truth, which won’t stop us anyway, we detail the life and crimes of gangland Ireland’s most trusted henchman.
“I know him, yeah, he once took out an entire block of flats because someone robbed The Monk’s second cousin’s budgie,” said one source who conveniently for us wants to remain anonymous, “he entered the flats at 9am and by 9.05am the everyone was dead in a large pile outside”.
“Heard he secretly took out the Queen last year cause Gerry owed the IRA a favour,” explains another reliable source we can’t name in case someone actually researches the claim, “sneaked into the Palace one night when she was asleep and shoved his hand down her throat and squeezed her heart like a plum – security were too ashamed to admit it though”.
Singlehandedly managing The Monk’s exit from the Special Criminal Court yesterday afternoon, it was no wonder The Monk looked confident of his safety, not even arranging a lift home for himself.
“The Eliminator issued a gangland curfew for the entire city yesterday,” another source we may have made up this time said, “Kinahans know better than to even dare make a move as he would have Dubai blitzed in a heartbeat, Arabs an all”.
The Eliminator, who fended off press outside the court was heard muttering the words, ‘yer animals, leave him grieve in peace’, a code we are told means, ‘I’ll have your entire families, even your pets dismembered with a rusty hacksaw blade duct taped to a melted toothbrush’.
Read more about The Eliminator in our 4,567-page special in this week’s Whispers World, or listen to our ten-hour podcast special sponsored by some dodgy online gambling site, secretly run by the Russian mafia.